While I didn't mind the introduction of more contemporary forms of worship into church, I HATE CHANGE. And the last two years have felt like nothing but that.
In all honesty, I think He did warn me. Two summers ago I felt like he gave me the word "move." You know, like how people have a "word of the year"? Except they usually pick it in November or December for the upcoming New Year. I got this word in the summer. And I just thought it meant to physically move more, as in "get healthier."
Another point of honesty/confession: I thought the whole "word of the year" thing was really stupid. Sorry to my friends who do this every year. I just thought it was weird.
Third point of honesty: the last two years have been a mix of extravagant gifts from the Lord and severe mercies. I am beyond thankful for all the gifts He has given our family. I do not want to skip over those. There are moments I look around at all the generosity He has shown us and want to weep. But even with overwhelming feelings of gratitude, at risk of sounding like a spoiled brat, a big part of me really wants the more difficult changes to stop. (Just keepin' it real, folks.)
Here's a glance at the last two years for our family:
- Discover a glorious, unbelievable, and unexpected piece of property--and money is miraculously provided to buy it.
- Sell (what we thought was) our "forever home".
- Move into a small rental for "6 months." (Ha!)
- Start the process of planning to build a new home. (Warning: This process reveals some pretty gross stuff about your heart.)
- Change church communities. (This was a very painful experience.)
- Job change (for me) from part time to
full-timemore than full-time. - Experience more conflict with people in general than I have ever experienced in. my. life.
- Changes in health (which had been slowly developing over years and exacerbated by stress) resulting in change of medication for blood disorder.
- Move into new house (17 months later...did I already mention the yucky stuff this experience can reveal about your heart? Well, it does, and it ain't pretty!).
- Experience more (but "less serious") blood clots requiring a week at home on modified bedrest.(Here's more on previous experiences with blood clots.)
- Resigned "more than full-time" job.
- Kids move to the large public school down the road. (Also an excruciating experience to leave a school community we love dearly.)
- Josie goes into Junior High (WHAT IN THE WORLD!) and turns 13 in a few months.
- Caleb goes into 5th grade, will be turning 11, and is waiting on his invitation to Hogwarts.
Anyway, somewhere during that summer, I had this word dropped on me. As the land/house thing developed I thought, "Oh, maybe this is what God had in mind." After all, this was clearly a gift from Him because we could have NEVER made it happen ourselves. Then as each different event unfolded, I wondered if that was the "it" the Spirit had warned me about prompted me toward. Yes and yes...and yes.
But as the more difficult events arose, pushing and yanking me in all sorts of directions, I wanted (still want) to just cry out, "Lord, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Enough already!"
But as the more difficult events arose, pushing and yanking me in all sorts of directions, I wanted (still want) to just cry out, "Lord, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Enough already!"
Personally, I think I'm ready for a new "word" (or no word except the Bible). I'd like to "move on" from the word "move". But I guess I'm not the final authority on that account. He knows best and all I can do is surrender to His love and sovereignty...and trust all He has promised in His Word. Things like:
The Lord himself goes before you and will be with
you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do
not be discouraged. Deuteronomy 31:8, ESV
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because
you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let
perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not
lacking anything. James 1:2-4, ESV
Psalm 16, ESV
1 Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge.
2 I say to the Lord, “You are my Lord;
I have no good apart from you.”
3 As for the saints in the land, they are the
excellent ones,
in whom is all my delight.
4 The sorrows of those who run after another god shall multiply;
their drink offerings of blood I will not pour out
or take their names on my lips.
5 The Lord is my chosen portion and
my cup;
you hold my lot.
6 The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.
7 I bless the Lord who gives me counsel;
in the night also my heart instructs me.
8 I have set the Lord always before me;
because he is at my right hand, I shall not
be shaken.
9 Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices;
my flesh also dwells secure.
10 For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol,
or let your holy one see corruption.
11 You make known to me the path of life;
in your presence there is fullness of joy;
at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.
(Shane & Shane have put this Psalm to music and it is amazing.)
And speaking of songs, below, I've listed some songs which come to mind and I find encouraging:
"Whatever You're Doing (Something Heavenly)" by Sanctus Real
It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly
Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly
Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly
It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out
"New Wine" by Hillsong
In the crushing, in the pressing
You are making new wine
In the soil I, now surrender
You are breaking new ground
So I yield to You and to Your careful hand
When I trust You, I don't need to understand
Make me Your vessel, make me an offering
Make me whatever You want me to be
I came here with nothing but all You have given me
Jesus, bring new wine out of me
In the crushing, in the pressing
You are making new wine
In the soil I, now surrender
You are breaking new ground
You are breaking new ground
Make me Your vessel, make me an offering
Make me whatever You want me to be
I came here with nothing but all You have given me
Jesus, bring new wine out of me
Jesus, bring new wine out of me
Jesus, bring new wine out of me
Where there is new wine
There is new power
There is new freedom
The Kingdom is here
I lay down my old flames
To carry Your new fire today
Where there is new wine
There is new power
There is new freedom
And the Kingdom is here
I lay down my old flames
To carry Your new fire today
Make me Your vessel, make me an offering
Make me whatever You want me to be
God, I came here with nothing but all You have given me
Jesus, bring new wine out of me
Jesus, bring new wine out of me
Jesus, bring new wine out of me
Make me Your vessel, make me an offering
Make me whatever You want me to be
I came here with nothing but all You have given me
Jesus, bring new wine out of me
Make me, make me
Make me Your vessel, make me an offering
Make me whatever You want me to be
God, I came here with nothing but all You have given me
Jesus, bring new wine out of me
Jesus, bring new wine out of me
Jesus, bring new wine out of me
Jesus, bring new wine out of me
Jesus, bring new wine out of me
Jesus, bring new wine out of me
Jesus, bring new wine out of me
Jesus, bring new wine out of me
Where there is new wine
There is new power
There is new freedom
The Kingdom is here
I lay down my old flames
To carry Your new fire today
Where there is new wine
There is new power
There is new freedom
And the Kingdom is here
I lay down my old flames
To carry Your new fire today
As long as You
Make me Your vessel, make me an offering
Make me whatever You want me to be
I came here with nothing but all You have given me
Jesus, bring new wine out of me
Jesus, bring new wine out of me
Jesus, bring new wine out of me
So if you think of our little family, say a prayer for us as we continue to navigate all this change. We want to do it well, in a way which is honoring to the Lord.
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