Rage Against the Blog

Well, I'm back...finally. I've taken a very, very long break from blogging for several different reasons--not all of them good reasons. Some of the good reasons can be found in other posts (i.e. new job, new house, 2 kids in school, etc.), but that's not really the point of this particular post.

One of the reasons I stopped blogging was FEAR.

I was afraid.

I was afraid to blog because during my hiatus a hand full of friends started their own wonderful blogs and had great success with readers. These ladies are incredible, Jesus-lovin' women and they have mind-blowing, fabulous things to say and I learn so much from them. But I was afraid.

I was afraid that they'd think I was trying to "copy" them (What am I, in second grade?!). I was afraid other people who knew their blogs would compare mine to theirs. I was afraid that no one would read mine and I'd look like a self-promoting, desperate woman looking for people's approval to convince herself she was worth listening to.

I would find myself learning terrific things and I would want to share them with whomever would listen. But then the fear spoke. So I didn't share.

And guess what. That fear turned into REBELLION.

I rebelled against blogging even if I felt God put something on my heart. It was as if I sat down, crossed my arms and wallowed in self pity. Like a jealous teenager, I stopped reading blogs completely. I refused to be willing to put myself out there knowing I should (even if it's only a place where I can process my own thoughts).

A while back, I heard of this thing called the IF: Gathering. It was going to be a conference of women gathering in Austin and broadcast over the web. I knew of the ladies in charge and refused to follow their ministries and very popular blogs simply because they were, well, popular. Don't get me wrong, I liked what I knew about them and respected their ministries but wanted nothing to do with them simply because they were the new Christian celebrities.

Our church decided to host a live simulcast of the IF: Gathering and invited women to come participate for free. I bet you knew my reaction.

I made up my mind not to go. I didn't want anything to do with what was "popular."

While I turned more inward, God waited patiently. Then a couple of weeks before it took place I felt Him clearly say, "Hold your horses, Miss Priss. Who do you think you are? You are going to that conference, so sign up right now."

I've known God long enough that when He starts speaking to me the way I sometimes have to speak to my eight year old, I should probably drop everything and obey.

So I did. It was a great time of encouragement, refreshment and challenge. The messages were exactly what I needed to hear at this season in my life. Our family has some weighty decisions we're trying to sift through right now, so I didn't even realize I was carrying the weight of those decisions on my own shoulders. Thinking that I was responsible for the successful outcomes of whatever choice we made.

But the real freedom came after the conference. At home. With the Scriptures, my journal, and Jesus. You see, obediently participating in the simulcast was just the first crack that appeared in the dam. When I got alone with Jesus--and just sat with Him, asked Him, listened to Him, I felt the dam begin to break and years stagnant junk started gushing out.

The already heavy decisions we were trying to make for our family came crashing down on us, leaving us completely disoriented. I cried more that week than I have in yeee-ars. But the more He broke the dam, the more refreshing the water started to become.

Above my computer I have a simple sign I printed and hung up over a year ago. I heard one of my favorite teachers say the first three parts of this. He explained that he constantly has to remind himself of these things to guard his own heart from the consequences of striving after them.

I've had Truth staring at me in the face for over a year and I was completely ignoring it! If I continue down the road I've been on, performance, acceptance, comparison, and selfishness will be the death of me! God forgive me!

So, I begin to work out my salvation in a small way that may seem insignificant to most. I'm going back to my blog. Not for myself, but because God has led me to do so. Who knows what it will look like...I sure don't. Who knows if anyone will read it...but it doesn't matter now does it? I write for the joy and pleasure of my King.